To You,

Today my grandfather would have been 85 (I think). Today is the day I remember all the special and sweet moments we had as Poppy and Granddaughter.

I remember the summers when the windows were open, everything in the tiny apartment smelled like garlic, and we used to walk (hand-in-hand) to the garden to pick an eggplant from the ground. I can still picture my small grandmother frying eggplant and handing me pieces, as Poppy looked on from the dining table.

I remember hot dogs and ice cream at the small amusement park. I remember walking next to him, thinking I would never be that tall, and taking in every sight and sound of summer in NY.

I remember his laugh, his belly (the best pillow) and his sweet adoration for his “baby girl.”

Today, I remember you Poppy. I love you and wish you were still here to be a part of all the new joys that have been bestowed upon us.

Thankful!

I know I am late, and I apologize, but I did want to say thank you to all my dear readers out there. You absolutely mean the world to me and your advice is unrivaled :) I only wish you would give it more often ;-)

This Thanksgiving was slightly weird for me, not going to lie. It was the first Thanksgiving I was not married or with someone (since the age of 21). It was the first Thanksgiving blue eyes was able to enjoy all the stuff (food, family and all that jazz), and it was the first Thanksgiving where we didn't cook a turkey. Overall, it was just a little bizarre and slightly uncomfortable, but ok because I got through it!

However, some new, exciting and weird things did happen this weekend that I would love to share ;-)

Wednesday night I got a call from the Irishman telling me he missed me and that he had made a mistake. Trust me when I say, I wanted to jump up and down and scream with joy, but blue eyes was sleeping in the next room, and I also wanted to give him no hint that I was in pain or had been missing him. So...I played it cool, and said thank you. We talked and the bottom line is I do miss him and he was extremely apologetic. We are just friends, but I still have a huge soft spot for him. Damn him!

Thursday was the obvious, Thanksgiving. My family decided to postpone our actual Thanksgiving until Friday because of family friends coming in town, so we had lasagna. It was weird. Blue eyes was running ragged and I was right behind him.

Friday was spent at my parents, enjoying amazing wine, delicious food, and good company. It was kind of weird to be by myself and not have blue eyes, but I managed.

Saturday was a little better. I helped the Irishman move and we ate lunch. I left him to chat with girlfriends and then we re-connected later on in the evening. All I remember about that evening was there was WAY too much alcohol involved (and no...I did not throw up in his bed, or anywhere else for that matter) and I lost my phone. It was a fun night, but holy man, losing a phone that you carry your life in...no bueno!!!

Sunday was spent relaxing with the Irishman (because I had no phone - and it is my only one) and we watched movies, ate pizza, and just hung out. Seriously, it was one of the best days I have had in a while.

Overall, it was an exciting weekend, filled with debauchery and fun. What I realize most is that I love my friends (seriously my girlfriends rock!!) and I appreciate the Irishman for what he is. A nice guy that I get along with. Beyond that I am just a happy camper. Who knows, tomorrow it could be different, but today...today...I am thankful!

A Letter

Dear Irishman,

There are things that weren’t spoken, in our very short time together, that I should have gotten off my chest. Maybe they are pointless to say out loud now, but regardless, I need to say them.

I believed every word you said, and unfortunate for me now (hindsight is 20/20), I wanted things to continue on that path. Although, I don’t believe I ever uttered the words to say I was in it with you, I was. I wanted everything you told me about, I wanted this to be an “us.”

I was mentally and physically devoted to you. A very strange feat for me, as I am known to be a butterfly - floating on to the newest and greatest, but somehow you captured my attention and I didn’t care if there was anyone else in the room, you were all I wanted.

There are 2 sides to me, one side is relaxed and at ease with my being, and one is energetic and outgoing, and outrageous at times. You have seen both, and according to you, you liked them both. To have someone that understands my mental gymnastics and understood it, was something I have always wanted, and yearn to find again.

I understand the words that came out of your mouth; however, I know in my gut, it isn’t the truth. I want to know the real reason, the honest to God’s truth of why it ended. Tell me what was said about me, tell me what you didn’t like, and let me move on, knowing the truth. That is all I ever asked for, and will continue to ask for.

Reflection

If I were to look back, it was the way you could make me laugh so hard that my stomach hurt.

The way we could have fun, just the two of us, like no one else was even in the room.

You, always fishing for compliments, and me...always giving in and givng them to you freely.

Me, always doubting this, and you always re-assuring this was real.

The stolen kisses.

The sex.

The secret of it all.

Me Time!

Wow, I just re-read my post on Sat, and holy shit I was mad.

Still am to be honest. I think the bastard lied, although he denies it to the death. Whatever!

To be honest, thinking about it, it ended the best way it could have.

I don't hate him, he doesn't hate me, and with us having to see each other ever day. It works. Ok next!!

I really need to focus on some me time. I know I have said that in the past, but honestly, I am going to try. This weekend was all about Blue eyes, and Santa and family and eating. It was good, minus the Saturday night debocle.

What I realize is that when I get involved with someone, either on a minor level, or full on, I lose myself. Especially when sweet and caring words are spoken. I want to take care of that other person, but somehow, I forget to take care of myself. Hopefully, no more. I need to find balance, peace and contentment.

We'll see.

The holidays are coming and I plan to spend this time focused on me, Blue eyes and my family.

Here's to trying :)

ALWAYS go with your gut!!

Alternate post title: What the fuck were you thinking...oh right...you weren't.

So as you can probably tell by the post and alternate post titles, things did not end well with the Irishman.

You know how all along I was saying it was all lies, well...I guess I was right. I got a call tonight saying that because of our careers, he was going to have to end things. Even though, less than 24 hours ago, he told me just how much he cared for me and how everything would be fine, just don't leave him. Of course, I said, I would never leave.

Well fuck him. And fuck me for that matter. Fuck me for believing every single sweet fucking word that came out of his idiotic mouth. And fuck me for falling for every sweet gesture that stupid idiot made. Fuck me!!

I am so sick and tired of letting my gaurd down only for my heart to be ripped out, still beating, and thrown on the floor for some douche to stomp it further into the ground. Your career...stand up for what you believe in. Have some fucking balls. My ass is on the line too you know? Dumb shit!

I want to scream from the freaking rooftops, I am so angry. I have never had so much hatred and anger fill my body at the same time. No more freaking tears will be shed for some idiotic man ever again. Fucking damn liars.

K, sorry, I'm done. Thanks!

A Rock and Hard Place!

"Love is not something you feel. It's something you do." ~David Wilkerson

Every morning my boss sends out an email called "Ponder This"...and this is what popped up. Of all the days. I swear!

There are so many damn thoughts in my head I can't even articulate them right now.

When I first started this thing with the Irishman I was taken aback at how sweet and romantic and caring he was. I was in awe of how unlike his repuatation he was. However, there were glimpses of that reputation that I noticed. At times, he was wild and crazy, but being the romantic that I was, I overlooked it.

Last night we had another hiccup, this time however, it was on his side. I don't even want to get into it, but the 3 things I ask of a guy, is someone I can trust, someone who is reliable and someone who is honest. The Irishman is all 3, but there are times when I worry about the reliable part, and last night, he let me down.

I was very hurt this morning, and after talking with him, he understands he hurt me, he apologizes and promises he won't do it again.

The thing is, I wish I could run in the other direction, but my feet don't seem to be moving. I do not cry over guys, and yet somehow, I am at my office, with tears in my eyes. This man has gotten to me so quickly, I am terrified. There are so many scary uphill battles with this relationship, that I am not sure I even want to go through, but I care for him so much, I just don't know what to do.

I wish temper tantrums were allowed as adults. It would really help me out right now.